A Plastic Romance

Disclaimer: The following is a superficial post (so's the one before that...and before that...), not to be taken as serious political opining (obviously!).

It was the breakup that shocked legions of fans. She was the image of perfection dressed in Pepto-Bismol pink, with a dozen movie credits under her Size 2 belt, several best-selling advice books and a line of accessories that bore her name.

He was her dashing playmate in short shorts, with a washboard stomach, a killer smile and a pampered life of tennis, surfing and roller skating.

Now, after a heart-wrenching, two-year separation — for the record, it was her idea — Ken and Barbie are headed for a romantic reunion, according to their handlers. Ken's new attraction? A makeover, set to be unveiled today at a news conference in Manhattan, that finds him sporting a more rugged jaw line, wearing cargo pants and listening to Norah Jones.

Puh-lease...ok, I like Norah Jones too, but I'm not going to broadcast it to the world (except in this one post!). What a foppish dandy Ken is! What a spoiled, superficial, elitist wuss!

Mattel's fourth-quarter results January showed an 18 percent decline in Barbie's U.S. sales.

Did it ever occur to them, that maybe it's because Ken is a pansy, lightweight? Not because of their famous 2004 break-up?

"Ken has revamped his life -- mind, body and soul," Hollywood stylist and Mattel consultant Phillip Bloch said in a statement.

A facial resculpting, as Mattel calls it — Ken's first in more than a decade — will give him a more defined nose and a softer mouth.

"It's Matthew McConaughey meets Orlando Bloom," Mr. Bloch said in an interview.

In other words: he had plastic surgery! What a pampered girly-man! I bet he gets manicures, pedicures and facials on a weekly basis.

Ken, who appears to have spent time in the gym and at the stylist,

Oh, gag me with a spoon, already! Let me guess: he does Tae-bo and aerobics on Tuesdays and Thursdays; yoga, pilates and spinning class Mon, Wed, and Fri, right?

At a press conference unveiling Ken, Bloch said the company was going for a "worldly, European thing," and "definitely wanted to be looking hot."

Well, there's your problem, right there. A real, red-blooded American male does not go for the effeminate, demasculated, Euro-look. Of course, this Brokeback doll has always seemed light in the loafers for the past 40 years, if you ask me; Ken has always dressed and behaved like a tinkerbell:



Face it: Ken doesn't deserve Barbie. Ken deserves Blaine. I mean, just look at them:



Of the three, which two look most suitable as soul-mates, hmm? You want a real-American hero? Here he is:



Can you picture Ken enlisted in the military?
How gay is that? I'm sorry, but if Mattel wants to recover their plummeting Barbie sales, it's not going to be through the new Ken doll with his stylish, Euro-looks.

Also: Who wants to bet that Ken is a..........FLAMIN' LIBERAL?!?!



Barbie and G.I. Joe Joke

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."



Happy Valentine's Day, Barbie and G.I. Joe! And Happy Valentine's to all my blog readers! Love you all!